1 Hello, everyone! Let me start out by addressing the elephant in the room… I’ve been on something of a hiatus from this site, and I apologize. I’ve been dealing with an illness in my family and just haven’t had a lot of time. But I’m back and looking forward to creating more useful, interesting content for you.

It’s very apropos that this is blog post number 007 — Double O Seven, like James Bond — because it just so happens that this story is actually about a spy of sorts. I don’t know if you’ve seen any of the James Bond movies, but one of them is called The Spy Who Loved Me. Well, this story is about a spy who definitely didn’t love me. 

2 As you all know by now (I feel like I say it in every story), I live in Florida. The funny thing about Florida is that even if your house is one block from the ocean, most people have a swimming pool in their yard. Don’t ask me why. What can I say… we like water. And in my defense, I didn’t build the pool — it came with the house. But I’m not going to lie… I love it! 

My favorite thing is to wake up, walk outside and jump in the pool — in my birthday suit — for a refreshing early-morning swim.  It’s better than coffee. You may be thinking What are you, some kind of exhibitionist? Uh, no... the pool area is surrounded by tall hedges, so I have complete privacy… or so I thought.

3 One morning last week, I went outside at about seven, jumped in the pool and was swimming laps when I heard someone ring the bell on the front gate. That’s weird, I thought, Who the hell would show up unannounced at the crack of dawn? By that time it was like 7:30, so obviously not the crack of dawn — I just don’t like surprises. Anyway, I put on my robe and went to see who was there, and as I was walking up to the gate, I saw it was a police officer, of all things. I was like “Good morning, officer, what can I do for you?”

He was really nice, very friendly, and was like, “There’s been a complaint. Can I take a look at your pool area?” So I was like, “Sure thing. Right this way.” 

4 So we walk into the pool area and he starts looking around at all the hedges.

So I'm like, “May I ask what this is about?” and he chuckles and says, “The guy across the street called the station because he says you skinny dip every morning, and, well... not to put too fine a point on it, but he’s sick of seeing you naked.”

Well, you could've knocked me over with a feather. I wasn't offended — I was more confused than anything; how in the world could anybody possibly see me with all these hedges? And the police officer was visibly as confused as I was. 

“Officer, look around. There’s no way anybody can see me. Was he drunk when he called?”

So he’s like, “Beats me. I’m going to talk to him next. I just wanted to check the place out and get the lay of the land before I head over there.”

A half hour later, he was back.

5 When I met him at the gate, he was already laughing. By that point, I was more than a little irked by the whole situation, so I was like, “What in the world can be so funny?” 

He says, “I just talked to Mr. Nelson, your neighbor. And I told him, ‘Frankly, I’m a little perplexed as to how on earth you could possibly see anything over there with all those tall hedges.’ So he’s like, ‘Come with me,’ and he takes me to the third floor of his house — amazing house, by the way — and we go out onto the terrace. I looked over here and couldn’t see anything but hedges. So he’s like ‘No, you have to use these’… and hands me a pair of binoculars, and says, ‘...and you need to climb that trellis’!” 

6 I could not believe my ears! I was like, What??!! So, he's been spying on me!

Needless to say, the officer didn't make a report. He basically told me that it was Mr. Nelson who was invading my privacy and asked me if I wanted to file a complaint. But I wasn't about to press charges against him, poor guy. His wife had died a year before, and he was probably just bored and lonely in that big old house all by himself. But it was a bit creepy to think that all this time, somebody had been spying on me. 

Now, every morning when I go for my swim, I look up at the trellis beyond my hedges to make sure nobody's watching me. 

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